30 for 30

It's a few hours early where I am ... but since it's a few hours later in some other part of the world, it seems just as appropriate to type this post now than some time tomorrow:  I'm 30.

Get comfortable sports fans ... this one's gonna be long.

Needless to say, the question that people have already asked is the one that I've been thinking about the most.  How do I feel?  What does turning 30 mean to me?  The answer has changed over the last few weeks, and taken turns that I didn't really expect.

My first response was a glib response, to absolutely nobody's surprise that knows me even in the slightest.  "I'm not happy about the thought of turning 30," I told people, "but I can't wait for 29 to be over, so it's got to be an improvement."  Or some variation of that.

I'd be playing into a typical Leo stereotype if I said something like "the last year has been the worst year of my life."  I don't know how I would define that, or how anybody would for that matter.  It's a subjective statement with absolutely no way to really evaluate and ultimately means nothing.  I can say more correctly that some of the lowest times that I can remember occurred in the last year.  Some of the darkest times, the worst feelings, the saddest experiences.  Is it really fair to call that "the worst year of my life?"  I don't know.  Because I've also grown out of those times, overcome those feelings, and learned from those experiences.  Who am I to say that I would be better off if I wiped this year from existence?

And what about the people around me?  If the last twelve months didn't exist, would I be as open and trusting with my friends?  My family?  The people who mean the most to me?  Would I be writing a blog that semi-openly discusses major events in my life and how I feel about them? (Hint: not a chance in hell)  In opening up to people I experienced an influx of love and support that I always kind of craved, but never really enabled.  "I'm fine."  "Don't worry about me."  "It's cool."  It's closed.  It's impersonal.  It's off-putting.
And ultimately it's lonely.

I can't imagine feeling worse than I did at times over the last year, but thinking about going through everything alone is quite frankly a terrifying thought.  There were times when I couldn't leave the house ... people come and got me.  There were times when I didn't know how to express what I was feeling ... people sat, and listened, and empathized.  There were times when I wondered if the pain that I had inflicted, simply by living, had hurt others so badly that neither I nor they could ever be repaired ... people convinced me that was not true.  And they were right.

So then, my initial and pithy remark about 30 seems inappropriate.  That's why I haven't been saying it much over the last few days.

Interacting with people here in Vienna, going out with friends and strangers, of all ages and backgrounds, its helped to shift my perspective on many things.  And one of those things is - surprise - turning 30.

I feel fortunate that I have accomplished so much to date; but that feeling is informed by the knowledge that I've worked my ass off to achieve those things.  I feel like I have a better understanding of myself.  I used to have a certain attitude, a swagger, back in college, because I was somewhere between "above average" and "the best ever" at a large range of things ... but that feeling's been gone for a while, because the second part of that sentence just isn't true anymore.  Thinking about turning 30, I'm of two minds: because I want that feeling back, but I'm also less concerned about getting that feeling back.

Confused?  We'll make jackets.

For a long time, I've unintentionally bought into that classic Leo stereotype about caring disproportionately what others think of me.  I believe that is what led me to always project the strong, brooding, silent leader type.  Well, I do think of myself as a leader, and if I type that I don't say that to be selfish it's not because I don't want you to think of me badly; it's because that's what I feel to be true.  There, in that sentence, is the dichotomy of what I'm writing about: I want to get to a different place than when I was in college.  I want the feeling of knowing where I stand and what my abilities and strengths are, but I'm less concerned what people think about me in the process.

Coming to Vienna has been such a blessing: the right opportunity at the right time, and the right amount of work on the front end to yield such a fruitful experience throughout.  I wrote before I left something to the effect of "if I can manage this by myself, it will be such a positive experience that proves 'I've still got it; I can still do great things,' and what a boost for my confidence that will be."  Well, I'm not even half way through my time in Europe, and that sentiment is being proven true.  Only, instead of a feeling of accomplishment at "getting through this by myself," its a feeling of calm pride in getting back to myself.  I'm not perfect (my family will be shocked at the admission).  But I know the kind of man I am.  And I'm less interested in changing the kind of man I am to appease others.

And that's what turning 30 symbolizes to me.

The funny thing is, there's nothing magical about 30.  It isn't some elixir that causes feelings of deep introspection and soul searching.  I'll be honest with you, readers ... it's more of a convenience for me than anything.  It's a day that just so happens to occur while I'm on this journey, and just so happens to coincide with the feelings I'm experiencing above.  A happy coincidence.

Much like Vienna.  Much like many of the opportunities I've tried my hardest to take advantage of, lately.

I think that those opportunities exist and are more frequent than we tend to believe, as a general statement.  "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity" some may say, and that's part of it.  Being true to yourself, despite what others think, is a key component, however, because an opportunity for one may be a detriment to another.

I'm 30.  I don't feel wiser, or slower, or more pain in my knees, or more dissatisfaction with the world, or a greater inclination to take advantage of the Early Bird Special.  I feel more content knowing that I'm working to get back to me.  30 is a milestone but it's a milestone along part of a greater journey.

and I can't wait to explore what's around the first bend.

Who Needs Sleep?

I do, apparently.

With a big weekend of nice weather and no obligations coming up, amid much excitement and fanfare about spending time outside with other people...

... I slept.

More or less from 6:30 pm Friday until 12:15 pm Saturday, interrupted only by a small break for leftover Chinese food on Friday evening.

Ouch.

Sleeping hasn't been as difficult as I feared that it would be.  I'm doing a good job (so far) staying active, getting out, and not spending a lot of time in my apartment; however, falling asleep at a good time has been a challenge.

For starters, there is no pressure to get in to work at an early hour.  If I stroll in at 9:15 am as opposed to 8:30 am as opposed to 8:00 am, nobody cares.  In fact, hardly anybody is at work before 9:00 am, so it seems to matter even less!  Secondly, everybody else back in the US is awake and just finishing work when I want to be asleep.  The temptation to talk, chat, video call, etc., takes a toll on falling asleep.  Not that I would trade the time chatting with people for anything - - it's been phenomenal and I hope to continue hearing how everybody back home is doing!  Lastly, Tony and Mike on ESPN's Pardon The Interruption starts at 4:30 pm central time, or 11:30 pm here.  If I'm awake then -- and let's face it, I usually am -- I want to watch.  Which means I don't turn off the iPad until 12:10 am or so.  Which means I don't fall asleep until later.  Which means I don't wake up as early.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Starting soon (probably not this week) I may institute a "no tech" policy after 10 or 11 pm.  I don't mean to be shutting anyone out (see above: I still very much want to stay in touch and hear all the news from back in the States), but sleeping away an entire Friday evening and Saturday morning probably isn't a good pattern to continue in the future.  Besides, getting to work earlier = leaving work earlier = more time to go out and explore and be active.  So this is a good thing.

Now, if you'll excuse me ... I need to take a nap ;)

Bratislava, Slovakia: Photos

Bratislava was pretty clean ... It's a clever way to put the animals to work I suppose

One of the central plazas: pedestrians only

One of the central streets: for trams only

Some great art and sculpture everywhere

Cool bridge over the Danube

More sculpture, in front of the Opera (I think?)

Very classic European feeling

The Presidential Palace.  I wish I could make a joke about Slovakians building it on a slant ... but, no, that's my crappy photography skills for you

A slightly better photo, in that it is not slanty

The public gardens behind the palace.  This was cool, just being open to the public like this.

Bratislava, Slovakia

Well!  This certainly took long enough to write!

I didn't have nearly as much time in Slovakia to write any impressions while I was there, and the train ride was quick and effortless on either side, so there weren't any opportunities to write there, and then there was stuff going on back here, and... and ...

... and I got no excuses.

Bratislava is the capital city of Slovakia, and it's a lovely little town.  Like Vienna and Budapest, it's located right on the Danube River.  In fact, there is a high speed boat that connects Wien and Bratislava (although folks have said that going upstream gets rather choppy rather quickly, so I opted for the train.  Much cheaper and less risk of hurling ;)

Maybe because it was the weekend, or maybe because of the smaller size, but Bratislava really felt more like a small town compared to the energy and vibe in both Vienna and Budapest.  I'm afraid that Vienna's public transportation has ruined the rest of Europe for me because its so clean, well organized, and efficient.  Trying to get from the train station in Bratislava to the city center took some exploring (and may or may not have resulted in getting off a bus at the extreme end of said bus line.  Important safety tip, kids: never be the last one on a bus or a tram or a train in Europe.  There's a reason why everybody else got off the vehicle!)

The city center itself was very nice.  Art houses, some lovely architecture, a great village square -- good stuff.  I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of art and sculpture everywhere in Bratislava.  Sculptures in trees.  Sculptures around corners.  Public art displays.  Very engaging ... perhaps because Bratislava was once a destination or "retreat" of sorts for artists in Europe, and so it's retained that part of its identity.  It was a lot of fun walking around the city center and seeing what there was to discover.

The outer parts of the city, frankly, reminded me a bit of the Soviet bloc.  Large, monochromatic housing structures with almost identical construction and a very Eastern European feel.  I could almost feel the difference when exploring near the city's edge versus the more charming and local city center.  It was an interesting feeling, and one that I'm sure I'm not capturing well in words.

The sights in Bratislava, unfortunately, don't compare to those in Vienna or Budapest.  Bratislava Castle is very nice and has a wonderful view of the river.  There were some old churches that were pretty, and the Presidential Palace was nice.  ... that's about it.

Of course, most people from Austria don't go to Bratislava for the sights or for the history or for the public transportation ... they have all that here in Vienna ... they go there for the prices!  Slovakia is part of the EU, so the Euro is the local denomination (same as Austria).  But prices for almost everything are far, far less.  I stopped into a McDonald's (not to eat, mind you - just to observe) in Bratislava, and saw that the price for their new summer smoothie concoction was 1.15 Euro.  In Vienna, that same concoction sells for 3.50 Euro.  And while its not that extreme of a difference across the board, it certainly seems to be indicative of the city.  I imagine the huge mall right on the river gets a lot of visits from Austrians looking for a bargain :)

The other strange observation about Bratislava was the prominence of Canadian flags.  I mean, there were flags all over the city - U.S., Great Britain, Australia, France, and others ... but there just seemed to be a lot of Canadian flags.  Cultural exchange centers, language institutions, businesses, it was strange.  No real reason that I could determine, so, is what it is I suppose.

I'll probably go back, since it's such a short (and cheap) hop away from Vienna, and possibly with someone who's been there before and knows more of the places to see.  But, for now, check Slovakia off the list!  Woo-Hoo!  Pictures to follow.

The Power of Attitude

I promise, this is not a motivational poster.

But first things first: Yes, I have actually been to Slovakia.  Yes, I actually have pictures to prove it.  Yes, I will actually post them.

Just not tonight.  Because it's late.  And they aren't ready.

They're camera shy.

... the photos ... are camera shy ....

... wow.

Moving swiftly on!

With apologies for another long gap in posts.  Busy living life here in the big V.  No ... no, that's terrible.  "The Big V?"  I don't even want to know what that was supposed to mean.

Moving swiftly on, again!

I genuinely intend to write every few days, or when something of significance happens (such as a trip to another country).  Lately things have been good, and as corny as it sounds, I've been choosing my attitude to keep things that way.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to be living in a fantastic European city with temperatures ranging from 70-80 degrees F under sunny skies and lots of activities to do with friends and coworkers.  But consciously choosing to make it a good day has become something of a routine, and I plan to make it stick if possible.  Literally, as I'm walking down the stairs of my apartment to the subway, I'll think to myself "What can I do to make today great?"  Work has been steady, but not overwhelming, so if there's nothing I can significantly advance on my personal project, I'll think of others' projects and try to help them.  If I know that someone is going through a rough time, I'll make a point to check in a few times over the day.  I'm keeping to a regular schedule of working out and physical activity, and trying to get out with coworkers and friends as much as possible.

I've also continued writing about the NHL, and the Blackhawks in general.  Two people have told me that I should pursue sports journalism and cover the 'Hawks.  Sounds fun, but also sounds like the dream of people who have degrees in journalism and have been working for such a job for years.  For now, I'm just dangling my feet in the waters of whatever the heck it is we dangle our feet in when we want to look like we're serious about something without pissing anybody off.

(and if you can get me the actual quotation Leo McGarry said that'd be swell, too).

At the end of each day, it kinda hits me: Positive attitude.  Actually works.  Good stuff.  Tell your friends ;)

NEXT TIME -- Bratislava, Slovakia.  Impressions and photos and all that good stuff.

THIS was in the nik of time:

Just ... In the nik of time ...

Quiet night

I should be asleep. 

This is the problem with always-on, always-connected technology, mobile apps and the like.  

It's 11:45 pm. I should be asleep. Instead I'm writing. 

It's a quiet night. Cool. It should be easy to fall asleep. But it's anything but quiet inside right now. 

I'm yelling at others with all of the intensity in my minds eye. I'm shouting at myself even louder in my head. My imagination and my memories and my angers are all boiling up right now for no good apparent reason. I can't seem to stop myself from having a different mental shouting match every time my eyes close. There's nothing that's happened, nothing that's wrong, nothing that triggered any of this. So what the hell? Why is it a revolving door of bullshit imaginary argument?

I should be asleep. 

I'm hopeful that even typing out these stupid and unnecessarily melodramatic words will somehow help to calm the chaos that's storming inside my head tonight. That somehow it will transfer the useless exaggerations from the confines of my mind to the phone and then the web and finally leave me to get some rest. That could work, right?

It's actually quiet. It's all in my head. 

Deep breaths. I can calm this. 

Decisions, Decisions...

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing."

- Theodore Roosevelt

I feel like, for the past few weeks, I've been doing nothing when it comes to my life after this year.  

I've dabbled with one possibility, and I've toyed with another.  I've dipped my toe in the water of whatever the hell it is we dip our toes into when we're trying not to piss anybody off.  

This isn't going to be a long post.  Just wanted to vent some general feelings about what I've been wrestling with.  I won't go into specifics, so thats going to make it very confusing for anyone reading this.  

If it's any consolation, I suspect it will be just as confusing to the author.  

But the time has come for me to make a choice about where my life takes me when the calendar turns over from 2013 to 2014.  And, sad as it is to consider, that decision will ultimately affect what happens to me well beyond that.  It's strange, having to make a decision that doesn't come into effect for months, and basing that decision on what may come more months after that.  Long term planning.  People can call it whatever they want, but I call it a bitch.  

The last six or seven weeks have been a blur.  Fast, fun, friends ... I only just got here!  Is it so wrong to want to delay making any kind of decision about when it will end and just enjoy these moments?  Why does the decision need to happen now?  Alas, the brutal honesty of adulthood: we can only put off the rest of our lives for so long.  

I do not plan to let today's thoughts diminish what I've done so far, or interrupt what I want to do going forward.  This remains a wonderful adventure and one that I intend on continuing to experience and enjoy to the fullest.  

In that vein, I'm hoping to get out of the country again this coming weekend.  As always, pictures to follow.  

Just Another Day in Early July

That’s what July 4^th is here in Vienna. 

No fireworks.  No parades.  No BBQs.  And certainly no day off of work.

 

Being out of the country for Independence Day gave me an opportunity to think about what it means from a different perspective.   I also had the chance to discuss some of those thoughts with friends over a cold beverage in the bar after work, accompanied by some live jazz, which was great.

So a few thoughts: (1) We like to fight.  We earned our independence through a war, and we continue to place men and women in the line of fire to defend the freedoms and opportunities that we enjoy back home.  That’s neither a positive nor a negative – I have far too much respect and gratitude for those who serve to use this as a platform for any kind of political statement or debate.  It’s just interesting compared to some of the other voices at my table last night.  Canada earned its pseudo-independence by asking nicely.  Great Britain is still essentially overseen by the Crown, even if the legislature is managed by Parliament.  Japan, like the UK, has actually seen its holdings shrink over time.  I don’t know where I’m going with this.  Let’s pivot to…

(2) Our reputation precedes us.  The international perception of Americans as overweight, obnoxious, inconsiderate, and generally boorish tourists or politicians who expect everything they want has been around for some time.  I suppose a lot of different perceptions of Americans have been around for some time.  But at least here, the reputation of Americans seems to be in good standing at least in part because so many people recognize that we are so diverse.  It’s genuinely difficult to stereotype an American.  Most Canadians are very polite.  Most Brits are proper.  Most Japanese are very respectful.  Most Australians like to drink.  Most Americans … what?  There are so many of us, and there are so many differences between different communities and regions, that it’s nearly impossible to put us all into one bin.  That diversity is part of what makes our shared national heritage so unique, and I think it helps our standing internationally when people recognize that. 

I think I’ve got nowhere else to go with that line of thinking so I’ll pivot once more.  Being out of the country for July 4^th was … interesting.  Not because I have a long history or tradition of spending it with family, or going out with friends … but because even as options those weren’t on the table at all.  It really was just another day.  While we sometimes look at the 4^th as a day off work or a chance to cookout, it made me feel strange when everyone around me didn’t really distinguish the day as special somehow.  Because it is special; it is important.  The historical connotation is almost second to ID4 as part of our national identity, and not having that readily and unmistakably identified by here felt odd.  The people who did identify it as the 4^th and me as American looked at it more like a curiosity: “So, what do you do on 4 July?  Why?”  I’m all for learning about other cultures and sharing mine – that’s been one of the many fun things about living overseas – but think about that for a moment: something that we grow up learning about as kids and celebrating or recognizing every year, and someone walks up to you and asks “So what’s this all about?” 

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. 

Look, I appreciate it if anyone actually read this far.  This wasn’t originally intended as a stream of consciousness type of entry, but it has certainly turned into one and the stream isn’t going anywhere fast.  I think the best thing to do is to cut it off before it wastes more of anyone’s day.  We’ll just chalk this post up to “needs more practice” or something like that, okay? 

More travels and adventures are on the horizon, and that means more pictures.  Yay for shiny things.