I don't know whether to be flattered or scared, when people comment "you haven't posted anything in a while!" ... either people actually want to know what's going on, or they're excited to see me leave the continent ...
My money is on the latter (kidding).
Earlier this past week I intended to post in frustration. I even had a bunch of really great titles for posts to choose from: "The Trouble with Traveling," "IAEA: Incompetent And Extremely Annoying," "You Can't Always Get What You Want," or quite simply "F.M.L."
None of those titles is appropriate now.
To summarize a long and convoluted story: I e-mailed my employer to-be, to communicate that things at my employer were finally moving and that I had confidence they would be resolved shortly. As such, I was eager to join them in Vienna later that week. To my surprise, they called me shortly thereafter, saying that there was no job for me because they had stopped working on my contract. Why, you ask? Because at the beginning of the month, I had sent them an e-mail saying that the process at my work to go overseas and come back to a job here was taking longer than expected, but no final decision had been made, and that I would keep them posted on my status. Which I did once per week for the next two weeks, eventually culminating in my e-mail saying "I'm ready!"
So very nice of them to contact me by phone or e-mail exactly never, over that three-to-four week period.
The Vienna job felt like the right job, at the right location, for the right personal and professional reasons, at the right time. Too much seemed to "fall into place" for it to be coincidence, I felt. So, for one of the first times in my life, I genuinely contemplated whether or not there was a higher influence at work. Not because I'm somehow favored or special or anything arrogant like that, but the sheer number of things that came together for the application I submitted and the opportunity and the short term offer happened too fast and lined up too well to feel like sheer coincidence. When my work first threw up some roadblocks to my departure with a guaranteed job at the end, I viewed it as a kind of challenge: how strongly did I feel about this? Was I ready to risk not having a job in six months? What would I do?
Ultimately I decided that I was willing to take that chance, bet on myself, and jump into this feet first. It wasn't long after coming to that decision that my work came around and threw their support behind me. Surprise, or influence? I don't know ... and I'm not spending too much brain matter on trying to figure it out.
So, in light of all this reflection and belief, I was rocked back on my heels when the IAEA said there was no contract for me, and that they were looking at other options. I couldn't understand it! It didn't fit with everything above. What was the reason? Was their a reason? What was I missing? I was freaking out, angry, pissed at my work and the UN and the world...
... and I'm not upset anymore. In fact, I stopped being upset that evening. Because I knew I wasn't getting on a plane two days later, so I looked into the amazing apartment I was going to rent.
And figured out that it was a scam. And I would have probably arrived in Vienna with no money in my checking account.
If I was rocked by the UN decision, then that realization positively floored me. I knew that I was rushing with the apartment decision, but I had extensive e-mail contact with this individual and had researched the financial service company that he claimed we'd work through, and it was legitimate. "He" wasn't legitimate, and disguised it well. My anger and frustrations were gone.
And then the next day, the UN got back to me and said that they were targeting a new start date for me in mid-May. That gave me a few weeks to get legitimate housing lined up. It also allowed me to see great friends who were just returning to this country; one of whom was repatriating and had a lot of great advice that I now have time to act on. It also gave me even more time to spend with new friends, socializing and enjoying the nice spring weather.
In short (I know, too late), the delay was the best thing that could have happened. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but things like that just continue to happen. I'm a smart guy, with pretty good common sense, and I just can't describe the questions and the feelings that these occurrences have raised. Hence, the feeling stronger than ever that there are other factors in play besides pure happenstance.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Waiting Game
(because Hungry Hungry Hippos wasn't available)
I think that things are packed and ready to go. Luggage, tickets, hotel, travel arrangements, things for the condo here ... it actually feels like things are coming together. That sense is made up of various feelings: relief (all my stuff fits in the luggage), accomplishment (yay it's done!), uncertainty (what did I forget?), and trepidation (so ... what now?)
At the moment I'm leaning more towards the trepidation.
Things at work still need to be sorted out, which is a different story for another blog entry. But otherwise there's nothing left to do but clean and put things away. It's been delightful, if bittersweet, seeing so many people over the last few days; so as tempting as it is to continue socializing and sharing time with others, it comes with that unspoken question of "when will I see this person again?" The uncertainty factor is a little disquieting -- friends and family have played such a vital role in getting back on my feet. Part of me really wants to stay and enjoy time and experiences with them. But, I recognize the tremendous value in going overseas and making a great experience with new people.
In the mean time, I have about 72 hours until I leave for the airport. Putting a number to it absolutely makes it feel much more real! Eek! ... Stupid number ...
I think that things are packed and ready to go. Luggage, tickets, hotel, travel arrangements, things for the condo here ... it actually feels like things are coming together. That sense is made up of various feelings: relief (all my stuff fits in the luggage), accomplishment (yay it's done!), uncertainty (what did I forget?), and trepidation (so ... what now?)
At the moment I'm leaning more towards the trepidation.
Things at work still need to be sorted out, which is a different story for another blog entry. But otherwise there's nothing left to do but clean and put things away. It's been delightful, if bittersweet, seeing so many people over the last few days; so as tempting as it is to continue socializing and sharing time with others, it comes with that unspoken question of "when will I see this person again?" The uncertainty factor is a little disquieting -- friends and family have played such a vital role in getting back on my feet. Part of me really wants to stay and enjoy time and experiences with them. But, I recognize the tremendous value in going overseas and making a great experience with new people.
In the mean time, I have about 72 hours until I leave for the airport. Putting a number to it absolutely makes it feel much more real! Eek! ... Stupid number ...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Bittersweet Departure
Packing up is simultaneously exactly what I thought it would be, and frustratingly more difficult than I thought it would be.
It hasn't been the smoothest start.
For starters, there is a finite amount of space in my luggage. This is problematic, because the volume of material I wish to place inside said luggage apparently exceeds that finite amount of space. Not counting things like shoes. Or dress clothes for work. Or my laptop.
Oy.
On a professional front, things are looking more improved at work for my potential return, whenever that return will be. I'll take any good news, or good trends, I can get right now. Otherwise, my life involves setting up and/or modifying payment accounts, packing, and saying good bye to folks. It is strange and touching to say farewell -- for now -- to friends old and new. Either I'm actually semi-popular (which I would highly doubt) or people are just happy to see me leave the country (more likely, haha). Although there are also some friends who have asked me to stay, which is entirely touching as well.
I appreciate everyone who's read a little and wrote something or liked on facebook. This blog will be updated but on a completely unknown frequency. Some posts, like this one, will be shorter; just a means to say "I'm still breathing." Others are going to be photos. Others still will be longer, and more reflective, expressions of thoughts and emotions.
For now those all have to wait ... luggage presents an interesting - if challenging - physics problem that must be solved at once!
It hasn't been the smoothest start.
For starters, there is a finite amount of space in my luggage. This is problematic, because the volume of material I wish to place inside said luggage apparently exceeds that finite amount of space. Not counting things like shoes. Or dress clothes for work. Or my laptop.
Oy.
On a professional front, things are looking more improved at work for my potential return, whenever that return will be. I'll take any good news, or good trends, I can get right now. Otherwise, my life involves setting up and/or modifying payment accounts, packing, and saying good bye to folks. It is strange and touching to say farewell -- for now -- to friends old and new. Either I'm actually semi-popular (which I would highly doubt) or people are just happy to see me leave the country (more likely, haha). Although there are also some friends who have asked me to stay, which is entirely touching as well.
I appreciate everyone who's read a little and wrote something or liked on facebook. This blog will be updated but on a completely unknown frequency. Some posts, like this one, will be shorter; just a means to say "I'm still breathing." Others are going to be photos. Others still will be longer, and more reflective, expressions of thoughts and emotions.
For now those all have to wait ... luggage presents an interesting - if challenging - physics problem that must be solved at once!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Fallingwater
On Saturday we traveled to the Frank Lloyd Wright designed home called Fallingwater. It was a beautiful house - if too short, in places - and the beauty of the surrounding Mill Run was not lost on me.
This isn't meant to be a full post. Rather, this text is a prelude to my attempt at testing the mobile photo upload features of blogger.
All of the following photos were taken and modified using my iPhone 4 and the Camera+ app.
This isn't meant to be a full post. Rather, this text is a prelude to my attempt at testing the mobile photo upload features of blogger.
All of the following photos were taken and modified using my iPhone 4 and the Camera+ app.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
End of an Error
Tonight I shaved off the failed experiment that was known as my "goatee," or "fu Manchu plus chin beard," or "BWAHHH-HAH-HA-HAA!!!”
... It was probably overdue ...
I had never grown a beard, goatee, mustache, or any facial hair with the intentions of keeping it for any appreciable length of time. This one lasted, as it were, from December 20, 2012 until April 13, 2013. Is it acceptable to consider that a New Record when there was never an Old Record of any kind?
The facial hair experiment [gone wrong] was something I had never done before and so I wanted to try it out. It represented something tangible or visible as i was working to develop a side of me that would say "what the hell? Lets give something new a try," and actually stick with it.
So why bail now? I could say that i am trying my best to look forward to a clean start with a clean shave, which I hope will be coming soon (whether I want it or not). I could suggest that doing this now will allow me to reuse old passport photos and other documentation with less hassle from local authorities. I could jest that women may find me more attractive without that mess on my face. There's a lot of options. The honest truth is that it was starting to annoy me! Plus I had no confidence that it would actually connect into a true goatee anytime soon.
Fail.
I'm trying to get back to a feeling that I used to have, that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. Only I don't want that attitude the way it used to be ... Not exactly. My biggest push has been to break down the double-thick wall of bricks between my intellectual and emotional sides. Anyone who knows me knows that the logical side always comes first ... and second ... and usually third and fourth and fifth and then Maybe there's some emotions there. Har har. I want the feeling that I can accomplish anything I dedicate myself to, not just in mind but in heart as well. Thats one of the biggest draws of Vienna: if I can do this, not just sit around by myself but really do it right by meeting people, going out, traveling, exploring, and genuinely living life -- all without the immediate support of the family and friends that I've relied on so much over the past months -- then I believe I'll be on the right path to that goal.
If nothing else, it's something to strive for.
... It was probably overdue ...
I had never grown a beard, goatee, mustache, or any facial hair with the intentions of keeping it for any appreciable length of time. This one lasted, as it were, from December 20, 2012 until April 13, 2013. Is it acceptable to consider that a New Record when there was never an Old Record of any kind?
The facial hair experiment [gone wrong] was something I had never done before and so I wanted to try it out. It represented something tangible or visible as i was working to develop a side of me that would say "what the hell? Lets give something new a try," and actually stick with it.
So why bail now? I could say that i am trying my best to look forward to a clean start with a clean shave, which I hope will be coming soon (whether I want it or not). I could suggest that doing this now will allow me to reuse old passport photos and other documentation with less hassle from local authorities. I could jest that women may find me more attractive without that mess on my face. There's a lot of options. The honest truth is that it was starting to annoy me! Plus I had no confidence that it would actually connect into a true goatee anytime soon.
Fail.
I'm trying to get back to a feeling that I used to have, that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. Only I don't want that attitude the way it used to be ... Not exactly. My biggest push has been to break down the double-thick wall of bricks between my intellectual and emotional sides. Anyone who knows me knows that the logical side always comes first ... and second ... and usually third and fourth and fifth and then Maybe there's some emotions there. Har har. I want the feeling that I can accomplish anything I dedicate myself to, not just in mind but in heart as well. Thats one of the biggest draws of Vienna: if I can do this, not just sit around by myself but really do it right by meeting people, going out, traveling, exploring, and genuinely living life -- all without the immediate support of the family and friends that I've relied on so much over the past months -- then I believe I'll be on the right path to that goal.
If nothing else, it's something to strive for.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Pittsburgh
Time to test out Bloggers mobile app. Here goes.
I'm writing this post from a gate at O'Hare. It kind of struck me as I grabbed a quick bite, just how different my experience today will be from my probable experience in two short weeks.
Today: no traffic getting to the terminal from the airport road outside O'Hare, no line at the security checkpoint, one small carry-on bag, minimal crowds inside the terminal, and a short one hour flight to Pittsburgh. Next time I'm here for an outbound flight it'll be with at least three large suitcases or duffel bags, a carry-on with enough clothes to last a week plus my electronics, and an eight hour flight to London Heathrow followed by a two hour jump to Vienna, for a total travel time somewhere around 16 hours, to land someplace where I don't speak the native language and don't have much or any kind of a support network.
Yeah ... I'm not terrified at all.
I remain wistful for certain things in my personal life, even though I recognize their extreme unlikelihood. Still working to reconcile the intellectual and emotional components that go into these feelings, experiences, and desires. I'd offer to post an update when I have more clarity, but I have no frame of reference as to when that post would occur!
This weekend: NCAA Men's Ice Hockey Frozen Four, with a Pittsburgh Pirates game sandwiched in the middle. I may try out the photo upload features to see how they work. I may post a little about Vienna being delayed or cancelled (what? Another Bombshell? What the heck, Nik? ....... I know, I know, but right now there isn't enough certainty to post about anything so better to say nothing and see what happens). I may just post to ramble aimlessly to the anonymous audience of the interwebs (not that they'd care about my babbling).
Until then, signing off.
UPDATE: I also highly doubt I'll get a free upgrade to First Class going across the pond either. Score!!!
I'm writing this post from a gate at O'Hare. It kind of struck me as I grabbed a quick bite, just how different my experience today will be from my probable experience in two short weeks.
Today: no traffic getting to the terminal from the airport road outside O'Hare, no line at the security checkpoint, one small carry-on bag, minimal crowds inside the terminal, and a short one hour flight to Pittsburgh. Next time I'm here for an outbound flight it'll be with at least three large suitcases or duffel bags, a carry-on with enough clothes to last a week plus my electronics, and an eight hour flight to London Heathrow followed by a two hour jump to Vienna, for a total travel time somewhere around 16 hours, to land someplace where I don't speak the native language and don't have much or any kind of a support network.
Yeah ... I'm not terrified at all.
I remain wistful for certain things in my personal life, even though I recognize their extreme unlikelihood. Still working to reconcile the intellectual and emotional components that go into these feelings, experiences, and desires. I'd offer to post an update when I have more clarity, but I have no frame of reference as to when that post would occur!
This weekend: NCAA Men's Ice Hockey Frozen Four, with a Pittsburgh Pirates game sandwiched in the middle. I may try out the photo upload features to see how they work. I may post a little about Vienna being delayed or cancelled (what? Another Bombshell? What the heck, Nik? ....... I know, I know, but right now there isn't enough certainty to post about anything so better to say nothing and see what happens). I may just post to ramble aimlessly to the anonymous audience of the interwebs (not that they'd care about my babbling).
Until then, signing off.
UPDATE: I also highly doubt I'll get a free upgrade to First Class going across the pond either. Score!!!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Bombshells
I've been putting off writing this post, for reasons that I don't really understand. I haven't invited anyone to read this blog yet, so the only ones seeing it are those random passers-by who happen to click onto this site by pure happenstance, and surely don't know me. So then why the hesitation? After all, it's not all bad news. Some of it is even positive and exciting.
I suspect that it is a more complex answer than I will delve into here; but typing them out means acknowledging things that have happened, that are happening, and that are yet to happen.
Whether I like it or not.
So to move things along, I'll try to cut right to the chase. Some people reading this blog know what's been going on in my life over the past several months; others know part of the story; and for others still, this will be a lot to take in. If you feel that you're in the third group, grab a seat and continue reading when you've got a little time to burn.
Bombshell number one is the unpleasant one: I'm getting divorced. We've been separated since August 2012, and as of writing paperwork is being finalized for review and signature. I made a commitment not to talk ill of anyone other than myself in this space, and I intend to keep that commitment. From my perspective, I failed as a husband. This divorce is not what I want, but it means that I will no longer be hurting the person who I still care about more than any other on this earth. I don't feel like getting into more detail than that right now. As discussed in the ground rules, I'd encourage anyone with questions to send me a private message or e-mail.
This blog is going to be a kind of "stream of consciousness" journal: what I feel, or see, I'll post here when I need or want to. The purpose is not to reminisce or bemoan the past; its one tool in the toolbox for coping and moving forward. Part of moving forward is going to mean reflecting on my past, though, and I'll try to tag posts accordingly in case any readers just want to skip right over that stuff. I certainly won't blame you or hold it against you ... especially since I'll have no way to know who has read this blog!
This website's existence as a coping mechanism is important considering bombshell number two: I'm moving to Vienna, Austria. My flight leaves on April 24. Yes ... compared to the date this entry is being written, that is insanely soon.
In February I applied to an Emergency Preparedness Officer position with the United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), which is housed in Vienna. After speaking with several NRC staff members and managers who had either worked for IAEA or were working there now, I assumed that I would have at least three to four months before I would even find out whether I would interview for the position ...
... instead, I received a phone call about four weeks later, from an individual who wanted me to come over and begin working on a six month contract just as soon as I could. In the words of The Talented Mr. Roto, ESPN's Matthew Berry, that was "Woah Crazy Crazy!"
I am simultaneously excited and terrified at this development. I know nobody in Vienna. I speak no German. And I do not know how long I will be there: six months, six months plus an extension, or six months plus three years -- if I accept the full time position for which I originally applied. This has to be the single biggest leap that I've ever made in my life, personally and professionally.
One of the things I worry about the most is people. Friends, family, classmates: the people in my life have been an unwavering source of support and comfort over the past nine months, and I have tried to grow and be there for them much more than I ever was in the past. I am much more open about what's going on in my life to other people, I am much less shy about reaching out to others when I need something, and I am the moron who is moving away from those resources to go to another continent. Is that brave or incredibly stupid? I don't know, and may not be able to begin answering that question until I'm over there.
In future posts I may try to share what I'm thinking and feeling prior to the move; but things will really pick up when I get to Vienna, and even more so when I get a local SIM card for mobile internet on my smartphone. What I'm doing, where I'm going, and pictures from my new camera are all going right here. Thanks for slogging through to the end; I'll endeavor to be more engaging, witty, or insightful as I get more practice at this.
I suspect that it is a more complex answer than I will delve into here; but typing them out means acknowledging things that have happened, that are happening, and that are yet to happen.
Whether I like it or not.
So to move things along, I'll try to cut right to the chase. Some people reading this blog know what's been going on in my life over the past several months; others know part of the story; and for others still, this will be a lot to take in. If you feel that you're in the third group, grab a seat and continue reading when you've got a little time to burn.
Bombshell number one is the unpleasant one: I'm getting divorced. We've been separated since August 2012, and as of writing paperwork is being finalized for review and signature. I made a commitment not to talk ill of anyone other than myself in this space, and I intend to keep that commitment. From my perspective, I failed as a husband. This divorce is not what I want, but it means that I will no longer be hurting the person who I still care about more than any other on this earth. I don't feel like getting into more detail than that right now. As discussed in the ground rules, I'd encourage anyone with questions to send me a private message or e-mail.
This blog is going to be a kind of "stream of consciousness" journal: what I feel, or see, I'll post here when I need or want to. The purpose is not to reminisce or bemoan the past; its one tool in the toolbox for coping and moving forward. Part of moving forward is going to mean reflecting on my past, though, and I'll try to tag posts accordingly in case any readers just want to skip right over that stuff. I certainly won't blame you or hold it against you ... especially since I'll have no way to know who has read this blog!
This website's existence as a coping mechanism is important considering bombshell number two: I'm moving to Vienna, Austria. My flight leaves on April 24. Yes ... compared to the date this entry is being written, that is insanely soon.
In February I applied to an Emergency Preparedness Officer position with the United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), which is housed in Vienna. After speaking with several NRC staff members and managers who had either worked for IAEA or were working there now, I assumed that I would have at least three to four months before I would even find out whether I would interview for the position ...
... instead, I received a phone call about four weeks later, from an individual who wanted me to come over and begin working on a six month contract just as soon as I could. In the words of The Talented Mr. Roto, ESPN's Matthew Berry, that was "Woah Crazy Crazy!"
I am simultaneously excited and terrified at this development. I know nobody in Vienna. I speak no German. And I do not know how long I will be there: six months, six months plus an extension, or six months plus three years -- if I accept the full time position for which I originally applied. This has to be the single biggest leap that I've ever made in my life, personally and professionally.
One of the things I worry about the most is people. Friends, family, classmates: the people in my life have been an unwavering source of support and comfort over the past nine months, and I have tried to grow and be there for them much more than I ever was in the past. I am much more open about what's going on in my life to other people, I am much less shy about reaching out to others when I need something, and I am the moron who is moving away from those resources to go to another continent. Is that brave or incredibly stupid? I don't know, and may not be able to begin answering that question until I'm over there.
In future posts I may try to share what I'm thinking and feeling prior to the move; but things will really pick up when I get to Vienna, and even more so when I get a local SIM card for mobile internet on my smartphone. What I'm doing, where I'm going, and pictures from my new camera are all going right here. Thanks for slogging through to the end; I'll endeavor to be more engaging, witty, or insightful as I get more practice at this.
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