I've been putting off writing this post, for reasons that I don't really understand. I haven't invited anyone to read this blog yet, so the only ones seeing it are those random passers-by who happen to click onto this site by pure happenstance, and surely don't know me. So then why the hesitation? After all, it's not all bad news. Some of it is even positive and exciting.
I suspect that it is a more complex answer than I will delve into here; but typing them out means acknowledging things that have happened, that are happening, and that are yet to happen.
Whether I like it or not.
So to move things along, I'll try to cut right to the chase. Some people reading this blog know what's been going on in my life over the past several months; others know part of the story; and for others still, this will be a lot to take in. If you feel that you're in the third group, grab a seat and continue reading when you've got a little time to burn.
Bombshell number one is the unpleasant one: I'm getting divorced. We've been separated since August 2012, and as of writing paperwork is being finalized for review and signature. I made a commitment not to talk ill of anyone other than myself in this space, and I intend to keep that commitment. From my perspective, I failed as a husband. This divorce is not what I want, but it means that I will no longer be hurting the person who I still care about more than any other on this earth. I don't feel like getting into more detail than that right now. As discussed in the ground rules, I'd encourage anyone with questions to send me a private message or e-mail.
This blog is going to be a kind of "stream of consciousness" journal: what I feel, or see, I'll post here when I need or want to. The purpose is not to reminisce or bemoan the past; its one tool in the toolbox for coping and moving forward. Part of moving forward is going to mean reflecting on my past, though, and I'll try to tag posts accordingly in case any readers just want to skip right over that stuff. I certainly won't blame you or hold it against you ... especially since I'll have no way to know who has read this blog!
This website's existence as a coping mechanism is important considering bombshell number two: I'm moving to Vienna, Austria. My flight leaves on April 24. Yes ... compared to the date this entry is being written, that is insanely soon.
In February I applied to an Emergency Preparedness Officer position with the United Nations International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), which is housed in Vienna. After speaking with several NRC staff members and managers who had either worked for IAEA or were working there now, I assumed that I would have at least three to four months before I would even find out whether I would interview for the position ...
... instead, I received a phone call about four weeks later, from an individual who wanted me to come over and begin working on a six month contract just as soon as I could. In the words of The Talented Mr. Roto, ESPN's Matthew Berry, that was "Woah Crazy Crazy!"
I am simultaneously excited and terrified at this development. I know nobody in Vienna. I speak no German. And I do not know how long I will be there: six months, six months plus an extension, or six months plus three years -- if I accept the full time position for which I originally applied. This has to be the single biggest leap that I've ever made in my life, personally and professionally.
One of the things I worry about the most is people. Friends, family, classmates: the people in my life have been an unwavering source of support and comfort over the past nine months, and I have tried to grow and be there for them much more than I ever was in the past. I am much more open about what's going on in my life to other people, I am much less shy about reaching out to others when I need something, and I am the moron who is moving away from those resources to go to another continent. Is that brave or incredibly stupid? I don't know, and may not be able to begin answering that question until I'm over there.
In future posts I may try to share what I'm thinking and feeling prior to the move; but things will really pick up when I get to Vienna, and even more so when I get a local SIM card for mobile internet on my smartphone. What I'm doing, where I'm going, and pictures from my new camera are all going right here. Thanks for slogging through to the end; I'll endeavor to be more engaging, witty, or insightful as I get more practice at this.
